Recently, a transgender man contacted me asking how he can date safely with the person he likes and who likes him in return. As a matter of fact, dating is not easy for everyone, unless you are very lucky, which I hate. The fact is, dating for transgender people are even harder. Because of trans-phobia and so many people not accepting and understanding transgender people, makes it harder for transgender people and transgender admirers to find and trans date each other.
Fear is the beginning of hard times. The fear for safe. The fear for being rejected. The fear for being humiliated. The fear for being fragile. The problems start to flash through your head. Is it safe ts dating a stranger? If this person finds out I am a transgender person, what would he think and react? Should I tell them beforehand? Or should I wait and see if there is connection? Is there unisex bathroom where we meet? Does this dress make me look feminine/masculine? If I come out, what should I do and when should I come out? There are more and more problems and anxieties out there.
To be honest, I am not sure if I have good answers to these questions or not. I will be very soon sound like a married one or someone who is in a long0term relationship. Here I go.
Take the lead and be authentic. This is the hardest thing you can do in your life, but it will be the most valuable thing as well. What does it mean? For example, is this your first date? Or the third? You can choose whenever to tell your date that you are a transgender person. It’s your own decision to make. There is no right or wrong time to do it. If you think you will feel more comfortable if you let them know at the first place, because no one would want to waste time and energy on some jerk. If you want to wait till you see connection between you to share this information, that is okay as well.
Another example about how to transition. Do not pay too much attention on being super masculine or super feminine to suit your sexual character. Just be yourself. I remember the first time I started to date was after my transition. I was really concerned that I was not going to be seen as a real man. I tried to spend time thinking about changing the sexual stereotype, so that I can really suit being a man. But that is not me. Before I came out and started transition, the world thinks that I am a super manly girl. Now all of a sudden, the world sees me as a man who is a little feminine. To a large degree, my behavior is the same, but the expectations the world has towards men and women are different, so the perspective towards me alters as well. I don’t want to pretend and try to be someone I am not. I transition just to be myself.